We all know the mama that has it all together…she’s got her make up on, her children are properly dressed, and she has the tissues you forgot to shove into your handbag as you rushed out the door 17 minutes late this morning. BUT…
The woman you think has it all together may not.
A surprising idea about yourself as a mother is your potential to cause harm. Even the mama who looks to have it all together may have lost it this morning. We may think of “causing harm” to be physical, but there are many ways in which we have the potential to cause our children harm. Physical, spiritual, and mental/verbal harm can stick with a young one for a long time.
The put-together mama needs grace and forgiveness the same as those of us who feel like we are constantly disheveled and running late.
Parenting issues bring on anger. If you are struggling in a certain area, make yourself AWARE of that weakness and make the effort to overcome that downfall.
Anger leads to guilt and guilt piles up. Julie spoke briefly about depression, poignantly stating that there are not Christian and non-Christian diseases. Depression is NOT a non-Christian disease, and if you feel that you may be suffering from depression SEEK HELP from a pastor and/or counselor. It may be the best thing you could do for your family and yourself. Remember that “NOTHING you have said/done/thought is beyond HIS grace.”
The background of your life helps explain where you are.
Julie had abandonment issues stemming from her father and stepfather. Therefore, that showed up in her parenting and became an issue. During times of difficulty Julie thought about abandoning her children thinking that they would be safer without her, trying to run away from her anger instead of dealing with it and overcoming it.
YOU ARE A SUPERSTAR—you are so complex…realize and appreciate it—you are amazing!!! Think about all that you do for your family. Julie tells us about a moment where she was cooking, discussing finances with her husband, keeping a child away from the hot stove, and answering another child’s question. In that moment it dawned on her, she is (and you are) a SUPERSTAR!!! Give yourself a break, don’t hold yourself to standards that are too high for you and your family.
Thoughts on kids or “Things we try to change”
The way they are
Many of you may be trying to change a child that is actually just like you.
Do not to change your child, God gave you your child.
Find and use strategies for change rather than having to deal with regret.
**Know yourself and know your children.
The things they do
They break things. They say things—they are children!! You can’t hold them accountable for every little mishap.
What they say
You get mad and stuff comes out of your mouth and they repeat it—sometimes we have to hear it in order to see what we are doing to them. This can turn into verbal abuse.
The meaning of abuse: improper or excessive use. This can be true with words, not just actions!
Julie tells a story about her sister-in-law speaking to her son. The SIL makes a snide/degrading comment to her son and Julie hears it. She then repeats it to her SIL in the same tone and voice in which the SIL originally spoke. It was only then that the SIL realized the harm she was causing her son with her words. Sometimes we have to hear it to understand the possible effects.
Improper situations we may find ourselves in:
Spiritual: We say to our child “God is watching…” in order to illicit the proper behavior.
Physical: You may grab your child. Realize that you are out of control.
Strategies for change:
Understand that you cannot get there without God.
Apart from God, changing out heart it is impossible.
Note the characteristics of the child that make you angry
-you may find the same character in yourself
-How can you learn to love that in them?
Physical situations
You lose your temper.
-Find the source: for example, is there a lack of sleep?
Choose one thing that you are going to work on.
Julie decided that her words and sarcasm were well worth working on in order to help build up her family.
Changes take time-be patient! You may slip here or there, but changing one thing at a time in order to stop causing your family harm is SO worth the effort!
Focus on TRUTH: Children are a blessing.
TRUTH: “You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you.”
Truth changes us—our thinking, our heart, our life.
For yourself:
-Realize you cannot “do it all.”
-Find space for yourself with girlfriends.
-Find a girlfriend who makes you laugh.
-Seek/show authenticity, realness, and vulnerability.
-Go to someone to help you make peace with your past (and move on to a better future).
Books by Julie Ann Barnhill (all can be found on Amazon):
She’s Gonna Blow!: Real Help for Moms Dealing with Anger
Motherhood: The Guilt That Keeps on Giving
Scandalous Grace
Exquisite Hope
Radical Forgiveness
‘Til Debt Do Us Part
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