Parenting in the Pew

If you didn’t make it to MOPS this month, we missed you!  But we don’t want you to miss out on the wonderful message we had from Nancy Hicks -Women's Outreach Coordinator at COS- on engaging our children in the worship experience, so read on for a little recap!

Nancy has been married for 20 years and has two teenage sons.  She has a great deal of experience in music and a history of leading worship.

She shared that her prayer for her children has always been Deuteronomy 6:5:

⁵ Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.

Because we can do things that work against our prayers for our children, we need to pay attention and establish a philosophy on how we’re going to introduce our children to God.  The two ways our children learn about God at this point are:

1.  You and your marriage

2.  Worship Experience

Nancy feels that we should focus on providing an age-appropriate, meaningful worship experience for our children.  When it comes to including our children in “corporate worship” or church service, she’d like us to address our children’s heart instead of focusing on trying to fix certain behaviors.  She’s less concerned that our children behave perfectly in worship service but that they are having a meaningful worship experience.  While we don’t want our children to be a distraction to others during worship, we also want to be careful that they are not tuning out from the experience.

Nancy has five suggestions for making the most of Sunday worship:

1. Prepare!
1. Worship begins Saturday night!  Avoid a late night if it will interfere with Sunday morning.  Lay out the kids’ clothes the night before.  Keep Sunday morning as simple as possible so you can keep the Sabbath day holy.

2. Worship Together
1. Keep your children with you during the worship service.  Nancy stepped down as worship leader when her children were little because she wanted to train her children to worship.

3. Engage Your Children in Worship
1. Instead of just trying to occupy them with a toy and keep them quiet during the service, work on engaging your child in the service.  Nancy gave a great example of how to do this.  During a song, Nancy would instruct her children to squeeze her hand every time they heard a certain word, such as “He”.  This helped train the children to listen and pay attention. 
2. Tithing is another way to engage the children.  If your children are old enough for an allowance, teach them to contribute their own funds to the offering plate.  Otherwise, just let them drop your offering in the plate as it comes around. 

4. Model Worship
1. Some Sunday mornings we’re frazzled or just not into it for some reason.  Nancy reminds us that in the Psalms, David coached his soul to worship.
2. Do your children see you worship during the week?

                                                              i.      Consider doing devotions with your children.  Make them age-appropriate and interesting. Nancy recounted giving her children pots and pans and telling her children to “make a joyful noise to the Lord.” 

5. What do you do when you blow it?
1. When we lose our cool or hurt our example in some way, if we come to God with a broken spirit our worship experience is usually more authentic

Psalm 51:15-17 (King James Version)

 ¹⁵O Lord, open thou my lips; and my mouth shall shew forth thy praise.

 ¹⁶For thou desirest not sacrifice; else would I give it: thou delightest not in burnt offering.

 ¹⁷The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.

Nancy left us with the following reminder.  Pray, pray, pray for our children and thank God, humbly, whenever we see our children exhibit excitement toward God.  Ultimately, it’s all in His hands. 

The Comedic Wisdom of Julie Barnhill

We all know the mama that has it all together…she’s got her make up on, her children are properly dressed, and she has the tissues you forgot to shove into your handbag as you rushed out the door 17 minutes late this morning.  BUT…

The woman you think has it all together may not.

A surprising idea about yourself as a mother is your potential to cause harm.  Even the mama who looks to have it all together may have lost it this morning.  We may think of “causing harm” to be physical, but there are many ways in which we have the potential to cause our children harm.  Physical, spiritual, and mental/verbal harm can stick with a young one for a long time.

The put-together mama needs grace and forgiveness the same as those of us who feel like we are constantly disheveled and running late. 

Parenting issues bring on anger.  If you are struggling in a certain area, make yourself AWARE of that weakness and make the effort to overcome that downfall.

Anger leads to guilt and guilt piles up.   Julie spoke briefly about depression, poignantly stating that there are not Christian and non-Christian diseases.  Depression is NOT a non-Christian disease, and if you feel that you may be suffering from depression SEEK HELP from a pastor and/or counselor.  It may be the best thing you could do for your family and yourself.  Remember that “NOTHING you have said/done/thought is beyond HIS grace.”

The background of your life helps explain where you are.

Julie had abandonment issues stemming from her father and stepfather.  Therefore, that showed up in her parenting and became an issue.  During times of difficulty Julie thought about abandoning her children thinking that they would be safer without her, trying to run away from her anger instead of dealing with it and overcoming it.

YOU ARE A SUPERSTAR—you are so complex…realize and appreciate it—you are amazing!!!  Think about all that you do for your family.  Julie tells us about a moment where she was cooking, discussing finances with her husband, keeping a child away from the hot stove, and answering another child’s question.  In that moment it dawned on her, she is (and you are) a SUPERSTAR!!!  Give yourself a break, don’t hold yourself to standards that are too high for you and your family.

Thoughts on kids or “Things we try to change”

The way they are

Many of you may be trying to change a child that is actually just like you.

            Do not to change your child, God gave you your child.

            Find and use strategies for change rather than having to deal with regret.

                        **Know yourself and know your children. 

The things they do

            They break things.  They say things—they are children!!  You can’t hold them accountable for every little mishap.

What they say

You get mad and stuff comes out of your mouth and they repeat it—sometimes we have to hear it in order to see what we are doing to them.   This can turn into verbal abuse.

The meaning of abuse: improper or excessive use.  This can be true with words, not just actions!

Julie tells a story about her sister-in-law speaking to her son.  The SIL makes a snide/degrading comment to her son and Julie hears it.  She then repeats it to her SIL in the same tone and voice in which the SIL originally spoke.  It was only then that the SIL realized the harm she was causing her son with her words.  Sometimes we have to hear it to understand the possible effects.

Improper situations we may find ourselves in:

Spiritual: We say to our child “God is watching…” in order to illicit the proper behavior.

Physical: You may grab your child.  Realize that you are out of control.

Strategies for change:

Understand that you cannot get there without God.

Apart from God, changing out heart it is impossible.

Note the characteristics of the child that make you angry     

            -you may find the same character in yourself

            -How can you learn to love that in them?

Physical situations

You lose your temper.

            -Find the source: for example, is there a lack of sleep?

Choose one thing that you are going to work on. 

Julie decided that her words and sarcasm were well worth working on in order to help build up her family.

Changes take time-be patient!  You may slip here or there, but changing one thing at a time in order to stop causing your family harm is SO worth the effort!

Focus on TRUTH: Children are a blessing.

TRUTH: “You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you.”

Truth changes us—our thinking, our heart, our life.

For yourself:

-Realize you cannot “do it all.”

-Find space for yourself with girlfriends.

-Find a girlfriend who makes you laugh.

-Seek/show authenticity, realness, and vulnerability.

-Go to someone to help you make peace with your past (and move on to a better future).

Books by Julie Ann Barnhill (all can be found on Amazon):

She’s Gonna Blow!: Real Help for Moms Dealing with Anger

Motherhood: The Guilt That Keeps on Giving

Scandalous Grace

Exquisite Hope

Radical Forgiveness

‘Til Debt Do Us Part

The Price of Privilege- A Recap

During our January 6^th meeting, we heard from Anna Balfour.  The topic of focus was “The Price of Privilege,” how living on the Main Line may affect our parenting.  This is a summary and discussion of some of the ideas that Anna discussed at our meeting.  The italicized headings are ideas from Anna’s speech and handouts.  Below are thoughts from a MOPS mama.

Speaker info:

Anna Balfour: The Price of Privilege

anna(at)potentialdifference(dot)net

www(dot)potentialdifference(dot)net

We are (materially) richer than 95% (or more) of the population of the world. 

See www.globalrichlist.com

This idea created a platform for Anna to discuss the material focus of many on the Main Line.  This statement challenges the Main Line mama to think about her place, and perhaps spur her on to find ways to care for others less fortunate.  I used a lower number than Anna when I visited the global rich list website, but just wanted to highlight the fact that we have so much, materially.  It may be easier for us to give to our children materially, but some of the questions brought to mind might be: What should we be giving our children?  What is the focus of our parenting?

Faithful parenting: Do what you can do; be faithful because God is faithful!

Many times the Main Line mama might not feel that she is giving her children all that they should have, or deserve.  The above thought is important to us as Godly parents: do what YOU can do.  While we compare ourselves and our children to “the Joneses,” we have been given these precious gems specifically for what we can give, and maybe even for what we can’t.  So, be faithful and do what you CAN do.

What we strive to give our children:

(adapted from handout provided by Anna)

CORE NEEDS:

Unconditional love: who you are

Safety: boundaries

Competency: developmental advancement

Many of us understand unconditional love: loving someone no matter what.  It’s a hard thing to accomplish, but you probably felt it the moment your child was placed in your arms.  At that moment, they can do no wrong.  They will make wrong choices, but the unconditional love is already there!  We learn this from our Heavenly Father, who loves us, knowing all of the wrong we have done and will do.  He is our example.

Of course we want to keep our children safe, physically and beyond.  Anna pointed out that boundaries are so important for children to have established in order to feel safe.  There are concrete and abstract boundaries that children (and adults!) need for assurance of safety.  We provide the physical/concrete boundary of a home for our children.  Children also reap the benefits of boundaries in relationships and discipline.  As a Main Line mama, what might be some of the boundaries your child might need?  As a Godly parent, what are some of the boundaries your child might need? 

From birth to adulthood, we hope our child will develop at a “normal” pace.  Providing our children with a variety of experiences foster proper development.  It may be easy or difficult for you to provide your child with the appropriate experiences.  Money or transportation may be an issue.  Hook up with some of your MOPS friends and their children for playdates.  Don’t be afraid to ask ladies in your area what they do to entertain their children.  Use the internet to find parks or libraries nearby! 

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE:

Personal Awareness: Knowing what you feel and managing what is going on internally

Social Awareness: Awareness of how others feel and managing relationships

Emotional intelligence is much harder to teach, and learn.  I’m sure each of us is still learning how to deal with certain emotions and certain people’s emotions and how they deal with them.  During our meeting, we discussed a little bit about how we deal and how our children learn from our example.  Teaching our children empathy early on can really boost emotional intelligence.  During family time, use Bible stories, or books to discuss feelings and actions.  If you have older children, start a Bible or book club with other interested mamas and their children.  Use the smaller, safer group to teach and discuss relationships.

OUTSIDE MEASURED PERFORMANCE:

IQ: verbal/non-verbal/performance

Other Activities: extracurricular

Anna made a point to highlight the importance of both academic and extracurricular status of families on the Main Line.  We, again, try to live up to what is expected of us in our socio-economic status and geographical location.  A simple, but often overlooked thought: What is the motivation of participation in the activity?  In the long run, will this be a benefit or detriment to our family?

From God’s Word:

Below are portions of some of the passages shared in order to give the main idea of the passage .  You are encouraged you to read the chapters and draw applications to your situation.

Dealing with Emotions:

Romans 5: Patience through trouble

“…And we rejoice in the hope of the Glory of God.  Not only so, but also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope…” (v.2-4)

2 Peter 1: character/patience

“…For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love.  For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.  But if anyone does not have them, he is nearsighted and blind and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins…” (v.5-9)

She's Gonna Blow

Main Line MOPS will meet Thursday, February 3 at 9:30 

Visit http://events.cosnet.org/BrowseEvents.aspx for more information on meeting time and contact.

We know there are many down-to-earth and often infuriating realities of being a mom so at our February 3rd meeting we will be watching a DVD by Julie Barnhill called "She's Gonna Blow: Real Help For Moms Dealing with Anger." Julie Barnhill is hilarious yet thought- provoking speaker and  writer who lives in Illinois with her husband and three children.  In this DVD, you'll find nearly an hour of Julie's comedic wit, bold honesty, self-deprecating humor, and practical strategies for owning up to your Mt. Momma build-up of frustration and anger. Julie helps you identify the why, what, and how of anger and to recognize when you've gone too far as a result of it.

After viewing this video we will be discussing at our tables proven strategies & biblical truth to help you cool down, change, and know peace, joy, rest, contentment, and laughter for your heart and your home.

The Season of Advent

The word advent means “to come,” and if refers to Jesus’ coming to earth as a baby on Christmas Day.  The season of Advent is all about looking forward to celebrating the day when our almighty God stepped into history as a human being.   We also anticipate the arrival of Jesus’ second coming.

Many people to go great lengths to prepare for Christmas yet fail to appreciate the true meaning of the season. At our November MOPS meeting we will be making an Advent calendar which hopefully can be used to make the Advent season become one of the most meaningful times of the year for your children and family and provide a time where you could prepare your hearts and lives for the birthday of Christ.  Below are some ideas to help you do that!

Ideas to include in your Advent Calendar:

• Prayers or verses to read and discuss together.
• Special Christmas carols, songs, or hymns to sing together.
• Good deeds to do each day.
• Fun field trips like looking at Christmas lights or ice-skating.
• Charitable activities like finding items around the home to donate to the needy, collecting food for food banks, volunteering at soup kitchens, or purchasing presents off a Christmas Angel Tree.
• Recipes to try as a family
• Fun craft activities like making ornaments or Christmas cards together.
• Clues to a treasure hunt. Hide special ornaments or figures from the family nativity set around the home and provide a clue to the location of one each day.
• Treats
• Plan activities like building a snowman, watching the “The Nativity” together, Christmas caroling.

How Parents and Children Can Work Together to Fill an Advent Calendar

• Divide the 24 days of Advent up among family members and have each person responsible for filling certain days.
• Have the whole family make a joint decision about what objects to buy or make to fill the spaces.
• Work with other family members to research fun and enriching ideas for holiday activities for each Advent pocket.
• To share the fun, involve all family members in filling the Advent calendar.

Love has entered our world through the birth of Jesus.  He came to die on a cross as punishment for our sins.  That’s amazing love and something worth taking the 24 days before Christmas to think about!

Is Preschool Survival Possible?

Preschool Survival Kit - Organizing and Parenting Tips for Parents of Preschoolers and the FREE teleconference is scheduled for Wednesday evening, October 6th from 8 to 9 pm.  Again this is free if you are interested but you do need to register (you can reference COS MOPS when asked how you heard about this event).  Please see below for more information and to find the registration link. Also, feel free to pass this invitation along to anyone as they would like to help as many people as possible! The person who is running this teleconference, Darla DeMorrow, may also be speaking to our MOPS group one evening this coming year so I included her bio below.

Darla's DeMorrow's Bio:

Darla DeMorrow is a certified professional organizer (CPO ®), speaker, and owner of HeartWork Organizing, based in the Philadelphia, PA area. She has an MBA from Temple University and more than 20 years of business and leadership experience. Darla has a Masters in Business Administration from Temple University and is a member of NAPO (the National Association of Professional Organizers) and it’s Philadelphia chapter. She has obtained certification through BCPO (Board of Certification for Professional Organizers).   She is also a certified Interior Redesign Industry Specialist (http://www.irisorganization.org ) and a graduate of The Decorating and Staging Academy.  She provides both consulting and hands-on support to quickly identify problem areas and suggest simple, yet effective solutions. Darla has a passion for helping her clients to regain some much-needed control in their lives, their homes, and their workplaces. Like many of her clients, she is a corporate refugee and an HGTV junkie. More than anything, Darla helps people achieve a sense of peace and purpose through time, information and spaces that really work. Her company website is Heart Work   . She can be reached at Darla@HeartWorkOrg.com This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it and 856-905-3202.

Got Wisdom?

Wise Mother –Wise Child is a weekly Bible Study on Wednesday mornings held at Church of the Saviour beginning in September and concluding in May. It includes Bible study and a discussion of topics relevant to being a mom, such as discipline, conflict resolution, forgiveness, and unconditional love. There are "Teaching Tools" for moms to use with children, pages of practical resources for parenting, studies of character traits, and guided journaling for moms. Childcare is available. Please see the following link for more information or to register! Other Wednesday morning studies are available also. Wise Mother-Wise Child Study